KLEMP INSIGHTS
NEWSLETTER

It’s called the “upper limits" problem.

Never heard of it? You've definitely experienced it, likely without even knowing it’s happening.

The idea comes from Gay Hendricks, one of our favorite relationships experts. He has observed that we all have an upper limit when it comes to happiness and connection in relationships.

In his words, “Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to...

Does anyone else feel fear and anxiety in the air?

Perhaps it's because fall is the season of fear, at least according to many traditions. It's the time when the leaves fall, when the days get shorter, when the wind howls, and when we celebrate a day dedicated to scaring the crap out of each other.

But perhaps it's also because we're living in a time where so much is uncertain. Will this pandemic ever end? Will we ever repair the fractures in our society? How will all of this...

We thought we'd start this week's newsletter with the sage advice of the soulful R&B legend Lionel Richie. During American Idol last season -- yes, we're citing a reality show as a source of intellectual authority -- he told one eager contestant, "Your life begins at the edge of your comfort zone."

We think Lionel is right on. In fact, we think this might also be some of the best advice out there on enhancing your relationship. 

So, to steal a line from the man who...

We have some reassuring words for you today.

If you've ever had a knock-down-drag-out fight or even just a heated argument on date night, you are not alone.

We certainly have. In fact, we had our most explosive fight ever during what should have been a wonderful date night sitting outside on the patio at a Mediterranean restaurant. 

It's an argument we recount at the beginning of The 80/80 Marriage -- an argument over which one of us would pick up our daughter from daycare.

Of...

Imagine marriage as a two-player game.

Each morning, you wake up and accumulate points by doing all the things you do: going to work, buying groceries, or helping out your kid with that impossible algebra problem. 

The goal? To win the game, together.

But that begs an essential question, a question that most couples never ask: “What's the game that we're trying to win together?"

It's an essential question because, let’s face it, a happy marriage could arise from striving...

If you believe everything you see on Facebook and Instagram, the summer family vacation is an experience of bliss.

It’s that exquisite time when you can unplug, connect, laugh, and go on adventures together, as a family. It’s full of smiles, fun, and glorious sunny days where everything works out with perfect logistical precision.

If you’ve ever actually been on a summer family vacation, however, you know better.

You know that this precious time is also a lot...

For many couples, the thought of going on a couples retreat triggers a mixture of confusion and awkwardness. It leaves you with Vince Vaughn's bewildered look in the picture above from the classic film, Couples Retreat.

We know because this is exactly how we felt in the early years of our marriage. “Why would we ever spend a weekend together doing random exercises to help us love each other more?" we thought. “This whole marriage thing shouldn’t be that hard."

But then we...

Imagine that it’s been one of those days.

You’re tired, cranky. You feel stressed and irritated. And, on top of it all, you feel like you’re the one doing everything -- at work, with the kids, and at home.

Then, your partner casually strolls through the door and says, “I thought you were planning to have dinner ready by 6 PM?"

In an instant, a tidal wave of thoughts and emotions washes over you. You feel the piercing sensations of anger rising through your belly...

Last week, we had a conversation with a recently married younger couple. They told us about the challenge of transitioning from those early days of dating, where everything is fun and fresh, to the early days of marriage, where you end up spending way more time on navigating conflict and life logistics.

In that moment, something clicked. We uncovered an insight that was always there but that we had never seen with such clarity.

We call it The Fun-to-Logistics Ratio.

Here’s how it works....

In last week's newsletter, we explored envy outside of marriage, toward friends or other couples. This week, we want to go one level deeper into the sensitive subject of envy towards your partner.

We experienced this just last week. With our daughter out of school and in camps for the summer, we decided to modify our work schedules.

Nate slowed down a bit so he could take on more of the camp drop offs and pick ups and random life logistics. Kaley, meanwhile, ramped up her travel for work,...