KLEMP INSIGHTS
NEWSLETTER

Have you ever noticed that being in an intimate relationship is a lot like competing in a decathlon?

A winning decathlete can’t just be good at throwing a javelin. She must also excel at the high jump, running the 1600 meters, pole vaulting and a bunch of other seemingly unrelated events.

Likewise, in intimate relationships, you can’t just excel in one relationship role. You can’t just be amazing at sex or a wildly entertaining conversationalist or a superbly organized financial planner. Yo...

Over the summer, we did something crazy.

For the first time in over 20 years, we took 10 weeks off from our work, left our home, and traveled to France. We went on Family Sabbatical.

We first came across this idea five years ago during our interviews for The 80/80 Marriage. Several couples told us, "The best decision we ever made was to take our kids on a Family Sabbatical."

We were persuaded.

So we spent a year and a half preparing for the trip. We learned French, a new language for us...

Think about how most conflicts go down.

Your partner says something that triggers you, something like, “Why do you keep putting the bowls in the dishwasher the wrong way?”

You hear this as an attack, an affront to your self-image as a fully competent adult, capable of loading dishes without supervision. 

Your mind starts to flood with thoughts, “What! Are you my boss now? Who cares if the bowls are facing the 'wrong' way?”

That's when it happens. Milliseconds later, you discharge all o...

The management scientist Edward Deming once said, "Every system is perfectly designed to get the results it gets."

Now, Deming was talking about large organizations and companies. But his insight applies perfectly to relationships for two reasons.

First, his words offer an important reminder. The results you and your partner are getting -- both good and bad -- aren't happening by random chance. They're created by an underlying system of habits, perfectly designed to give you those results.

Here's a passage from Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity that just about knocked us off our chairs the first time we read it:

Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?

Perel's big insight? That we now expect everything...

 Imagine your relationship as a boat.

In this boat, you've got you and your partner. You might also have a kid or three. And then you've got parents, in-laws, friends, and extended family hanging off the stern.

Oh, and don't forget about things like careers, financial planning, daily logistics, shopping, Instagram and TikTok time, house repairs, laundry, cleaning, school events, and the thousand or so other things that take up space on this boat of marriage and life.

Now imagine what happens ...

When you and your partner start fighting, all sorts of things happen.

Your heart rate increases.

Stress hormones pulse through your body.

Your muscles clench.

You become more defensive, less curious.

But there's something else that changes, something so subtle that it often flies under the radar of our awareness: everything speeds up.

The conversation shifts from a meandering 40 mph drive through the countryside to a 120 mph drag race.

And, just like driving, having contentious convers...

One of the most profound marriage insights comes down to some simple math.

There’s the two of you: you and your partner.

And then there are your “thirds.”

Now, this idea alone isn’t groundbreaking. It’s not going to radically change your life.

But here’s something that might. Marriage therapist and author Stan Takin argues that these “thirds” pose one of the greatest threats to the health of a marriage.

A third could be your friend or coworker, an extended family member, or a child or...

In this age of constant distraction and stimulation, we've forgotten how to relax.

Why?

Let us count the ways.

Parenting -- this task fills our days with endless emotional, mental, and old-school physical labor. 

Work -- there's no such thing as a 9am to 5pm anymore. Nowadays, work involves the always-on, Whac-a-Mole-style, task of answering texts, calls, and emails at all hours.

Phones -- they now gobble up all the time that's leftover. The wait at the store. The delay at the doctor's o...

There is an invisible urge out there, destroying relationships everywhere.

It often shows up while talking about money, politics, social planning, or parenting.

It surfaces anytime you feel defensive, like your partner has just accused you of even the slightest marital misdeed.

They might question your latest purchase. Did you really need that supplemental butt cushion for the car?

They might question your politics. Are you really voting for that guy again?

Or they might question your de...