Stop Talking About the Weather in Marriage (Talk About This Instead)

Here's one way to talk to your partner. You reveal the full truth of your experience, your little victories, your hopes and dreams, and even the things that scare you. 

Here's another way to talk to your partner. You become like news anchors reporting on the latest events.

“It sure is cold outside, isn’t it?” you say.

“I was back-to-back with meetings at work all day,” says your partner.

“The line at Costco was insane,” you report.

We have a name for these conversations: "talking about the weather."

This trap extends beyond talking about things like wind speed, humidity levels, and temperature. It's a trap couples fall into anytime they end up reporting solely on external events.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with talking about the weather. If it's windy, go ahead and tell your partner, "Wow! It's really windy, babe."

But when things get busy and life gets insane, this habit of reporting on external events can cause us to stop talking about the inner experiences that fuel love and connection.

How can you interrupt the habit?

Tools

1. Notice the news report.

The most insidious thing about this conversational trap is that we get stuck talking about the weather, without even knowing it's happening. 

The antidote is awareness. When you talk to your partner this evening, catch yourself reporting on external events. Make a mental note like, “Here I go talking about the weather again."

2. And that makes me feel...

Now shift from reporting on what's happening outside to what's happening inside. You can do this by prompting yourself with a simple phrase, “And that makes me feel…."

This small shift arises when you go beyond just saying “I was back-to-back with meetings all day" and add, “I feel like this pace isn't sustainable. I’m starting to wonder if I'm burning out. And that scares me.”

The shift is subtle but has the power to take your conversation to a deeper level.

3. Ask inner questions.

You can also invite your partner to make this shift with you by changing the kinds of questions you ask them.

When they report on a particularly frustrating moment, you can ask, “How do you feel about all that?"

Or when you're walking around the neighborhood in the evening you can ask, “What’s really going on with you?" And if they report the weather, ask an “inner world” follow-up question like, “What are you making that mean?"

4. Make it a habit.

You can also ritualize this shift in conversation by turning it into a daily habit. One of our favorite ways to do this is a meal-time check-in that we stole from our daughter's camp counselor.

It's a variation on the old rose, bud, thorn check-in called poopsicle, popsicle, dreamsicle (poop, pop, dream for short in our family). At the beginning of the meal, we each take turns reporting on these three prompts.

The great thing about having a ritual like this is that it interrupts the momentum of talking about the weather. Instead, it offers a subtle nudge to go one level deeper.

Without even having to think about it, this kind of ritual invites you to talk about what's really going on in your inner world rather than getting stuck in conversations about events, news, office drama, and, yes, the weather.