KLEMP INSIGHTS
NEWSLETTER

If you've read The 80/80 Marriage, this newsletter, or any book on relationships, you know about the power of appreciation.

It's a relationship tool validated by a vast body of scientific research.

It's easy to do.

And its impact is nothing short of game-changing.

A single appreciation for your partner can turn even the most tense exchange into an opportunity for connection and intimacy.

But there's also a hidden trap when it comes to appreciation.

We call it appreciation deflection....

It's invisible. It's unconscious.

But polarity -- the play of oppositional forces -- exists everywhere in our relationship.

Take messiness. In most couples, one partner occupies the messy side of the polarity, leaving dishes in the sink and dirty laundry on the floor. The other occupies the cleanliness side, trying desperately to keep things tidy.

Take connection. In most couples, one partner is typically the glommer, the one who leans in and wants more love, attention, and time...

You sit down at an austere and strange table, one you have never sat at before. The hard wood chair pierces into your mid-back.

Just then, someone else sits down across the table.

That’s when it happens. You've just dropped into a moment of intimacy like a skydiver dropping from a plane.

It's intense, kind of awkward, and, just, too much, too soon.

This might sound like a riveting interrogation scene from a movie or like some sort of inhumane psychology experiment.

But...

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re tired, exhausted even, and so is your partner.

In this moment, it's like someone somewhere flipped a cosmic switch, suddenly making your partner's every act excruciatingly annoying.

The words coming out of their mouth. The gross slapping sound they make when chewing food. That they never seem to take their eyes off their damn phone. 

 That’s when it happens. Your mind presents you with a long list of grievances. You're...

What's the one logistical decision that has the power to radically alter relationship satisfaction?

It's not whether or not you have kids.

It's not where you decide to live.

It's not whether you both work or whether one of you stays at home.

It's whether you hold joint or separate bank accounts.

In the United States, studies show that 43 percent of couples have only joint accounts, 34 percent have a mixture of joint and separate accounts, while 23 percent keep all of...

Just the other day, we had a moment of clarity.

Our book, The 80/80 Marriage, has now been out for almost two years. Throughout this time, we've wondered: Why do some couples who read the book report massive transformations while others report feeling hesitant, almost overwhelmed, by the idea of shifting to 80/80?

We finally uncovered the answer: the 80/80 model is radical, way more radical than we initially understood. 

The goal of this framework isn't to shift from...

What's the best way to rebuild trust in your relationship?

Here's the easy answer: try not to lose it in the first place.

You can do this in all sorts of ways. There's staying in the mindset of radical generosity, revealing your full experience, and getting clear on your values as a couple. All of these 80/80 strategies will help you get more connected and, as a result, strengthen the fabric of trust. 

But what do you do when there is a significant loss of trust in...

In the early days of a relationship, you go on these things called "dates." You don’t live together. You don’t share finances. So dates are the only time you see each other.

Then you get married, add a kid or three to the picture and, all of a sudden, you start to have the opposite experience. You're now together. All. The. Time.

You eat together. You sleep together. You spend hours and hours planning the logistics of life together.

So now you need to bring dates back into...

Relationship conflicts come in all sorts of flavors.

There’s the power struggle, the fight over decision rights, or the argument about money.

There’s the classic fairness fight, the dispute over the exact 50/50 balance of housework, child care, and the thousand or so other random logistics of modern life.

But there’s also a subtler, more surreptitious, form of conflict. We call it the I-miss-you fight.

We experienced it just last week. Kaley was away all week for an...

Marriage is a lot like owning a car.  You don’t have to take it in for regular tune-ups, nor do you have to change its oil or fill up its tires. But sooner or later, this haphazard approach is likely to leave you stranded on the side of the road or with no car at all.

The same is true in marriage. You don’t have to reveal all of those microscopic truths: the subtle resentment you feel when cleaning up after your partner or the irritation that springs from feeling controlled....