Why You Should be Failing More at Life

Surgeon General Vivek Murthy recently issued an advisory warning that couples with kids now face a mental health crisis.

Why?

We're trying to succeed at everything and burning ourselves out in the process.

In Murthy's words, "compared with just a few decades ago, mothers and fathers spend more time working and more time caring for their children, leaving them less time for rest, leisure and relationships."

Murthy's point is that success used to mean becoming excellent at one thing.

You could be a successful writer by authoring great books.

You could be a successful cook by creating delicious meals.

You could be a successful businessperson by getting regular promotions at work.

Today, however, the scope of success has shifted, from being good at one thing to, well, just about everything.

It’s not enough to just excel at the office. Now, you’re expected to be an All-Star at work, a devoted parent, a perfect spouse, a regular at the gym, someone who reads books and has interesting ideas, and a sexual rock star.

There’s a phrase that sums up this cultural dysfunction: “you can have it all."

There’s only one problem with this modern motto. It’s impossible. You can’t have it all because succeeding in any one of these areas negates your ability to succeed in another. 

So, today, we're encouraging you to do something that might seem crazy. We want you explore failing more at life.

How do you do that? Try these two tools.

Tools

1. Identify your “must's.”

There are three kinds of activities in life: things you enjoy, things you feel neutral about, and the things you do because you “must.”

Some of these things in the third category have to be done. So you suck it up and do them.

But some of these "must's" are obligations brought on by a mixture of cultural expectations and social pressure. These are prime targets for your "failing at life" experiment.

Here's how to do it.

First, identify the optional obligations that consume the greatest amount of time and mental load. Some examples might include: travel for work, hosting, extended family gatherings, DIY house projects, volunteering, or engaging on social media. 

Second, try out intentionally failing at these tasks. That's right, see what happens when you shift your mindset from getting an A or a B to getting an F.

You might notice fear, anxiety, or shame. But you might also notice a strange experience of freedom. You might notice that failing intentionally at these tasks is the gateway to directing more of your time and energy to the things that matter.

2. Identify your “I love to's."

This experiment in failure isn’t some psychotic attempt to ruin your life. It's the opposite. It's an experiment designed to give you more time and energy for the things you actually love to do.

By failing at being an active volunteer at your child's school, for example, you can now start that new business, book, or project you’ve been putting off.

By failing at writing work emails late into the night, you can now connect with your partner at the end of the day or spice up your sex life.

And that's part two of the experiment in failing at life: use the extra time and energy generated by failure to become more engaged in the things that matter most to you.

If you want to go deeper, check out the Life Report Card exercise at the end of Chapter 10 of The 80/80 Marriage.