Use 'The Brag Test' to Assess the Strength of Your Relationship

You can take all sorts of surveys and assessments to better understand the strength of your relationship.

But we want to propose that a single question—what we call "The Brag Test"—can tell you everything you need to know. 

What's the question?

When you're talking to others and your partner isn't around, do you mostly criticize or brag about them?

If you mostly brag about their accomplishments, best qualities, and strengths, you passed. In fact, you get an A+ on The Brag Test. It's a sign that you and your partner have built your relationship on a foundation of mutual respect and appreciation.

If you didn't—if you find yourself criticizing, complaining, and insulting your partner when talking to others about them —that’s a sign that it’s time to invest in improving the health of your marriage.

If you’re like most couples, you may land somewhere in between these two extremes. Sometimes, you brag about your partner. But sometimes, you can’t resist the urge to criticize and complain about them.

What's the best way to get an A+ on The Brag Test?

Tools

1. Reveal the hard truths to your partner.

Gossiping to others about your partner's most annoying qualities is a pretty good indicator that you haven’t revealed these issues directly to your partner.

So instead of complaining to friends about your partner's amateur-hour dishwashing skills or their inability to have a conversation without getting distracted by their phone, have a direct conversation with your partner.

Reveal your frustration in a kind way. You may find that by revealing your issues from a place of generosity and compassion, you end up having less to complain about—and more to brag about.

For more on how to reveal, check out Chapter 7 of The 80/80 Marriage. 

2. Build a culture of appreciation.

Your partner is a lot like a half-filled glass of water. You can consistently view them as half empty, a habit most of us fall into. You can scan their every action as an opportunity to find their faults, weaknesses, or subtle failures in life.

Or, you can view them as half full. You can scan their actions for all the things they did right and for those microscopic gifts they may be giving to the marriage.

This second, more constructive, habit of mind leads to a culture of appreciation. You see your partner doing something right, you appreciate them for it, and soon you both experience an upward spiral of connection.

And that's how you ace The Brag Test.