Press Pause When Things Get Crazy (Here's How)

Think about how most conflicts go down.

Your partner says something that triggers you, something like, “Why do you keep putting the bowls in the dishwasher the wrong way?”

You hear this as an attack, an affront to your self-image as a fully competent adult, capable of loading dishes without supervision. 

Your mind starts to flood with thoughts, “What! Are you my boss now? Who cares if the bowls are facing the 'wrong' way?”

That's when it happens. Milliseconds later, you discharge all of this bottled-up rage by saying something snarky. You turn to your partner and say, “Why do get off on micro-managing me like I’m your employee?” 

And we all know what happens next.

You argue.

You fight.

And you both lose.

How can you avoid getting sucked into this kind of downward spiral?

Simple. 

Pause.

There is, after all, that fleeting moment between your partner’s bowl-alignment question and your triggered reaction.

To pause is to slow everything down in this moment. It's to linger in this gap between stimulus and response for longer than normal. 

And while it sounds subtle, pausing gives you the freedom to do something counter to your ordinary habits. You no longer have to spout out that fight-inducing zinger. 

But how can you pause? Try these tools.

Tools

1. Notice when you're getting triggered.

How can you tell when you're getting reactive? Chances are, your body knows before you do.

So pay attention to the sensations in your body.

Notice when you feel the physical reverb of anger in your chest. Notice the tension gripping your neck.

Your mind probably also knows. So notice when your thoughts start to swirl with clever comebacks and passive aggressive remarks.

2. Pause.

Here's where the magic happens. 

Instead of moving quickly, at the pace of your reactive habits, slow everything waaay down.

Allow yourself to hang out in this space.

Take a breath.

Let the chaotic snow globe that is your mind settle down just a little bit.

3. Get creative.

Now for the fun part.

You still have the freedom to react in your ordinary way. You can still insult or criticize your partner in an act of self-defense.

But pausing gives you the freedom to get creative -- to do something totally different, something that unwinds the conflict and opens up a space for connection.

Give your partner a surprise hug.

Start singing their favorite Taylor Swift song.

Make a joke about how you just might be the world's worst dishwasher loader.

Tell them that you're going to achieve full spousal perfection one day but that you're still working out the kinks.

Put simply, by pausing, you now have the freedom to flip the ordinary script and turn your triggered state into a gateway to deeper levels of connection.