Life Incentivizes Work Over Family: Here's How to Flip the Script

What if we were to tell you that your life is really just an elaborate video game?

The purpose of the game? To win, obviously, and score as many points as you can.

How do you score points? Three ways: money, approval, and achievement. The higher your aggregate score, the faster you move up the leaderboard, the better you feel about your position in the game. 

You might notice though that there’s something peculiar about the scoring system: you only get points for the things you do outside the house – the home-run presentation, the big sale, the new client, or the end-of-year bonus. 

But what about absolutely crushing dinner prep for taco night?

What about organizing your kid's carpool for Tee Ball practice to perfection?

Or what about being the most present, least phone-addicted, parent at the playground?

Sorry. In this game, you don’t get any money, approval, or achievement points for that. If anything, you might lose points for getting distracted from what matters most: achieving at work.

Does any of this sound familiar?

It should because this is the game most of us are playing, all day, every day.

It’s not just a metaphor. It’s real life. And it's a way of thinking that makes prioritizing family over work all but impossible. 

How can you change the game to reverse these incentives?

Tools

1. Redefine Success.

If your definition of success is restricted to money, approval, and achievement, your family is bound to lose in this battle over priorities.

If, on the other hand, you redefine success to include wins inside, rather than just outside, your home, the game changes. 

In this new world, saying “yes” -- to the date night, chaperoning your kid’s field trip, taking the bike ride, or creating space and joy by doing absolutely nothing together on a Saturday afternoon -- no longer represents a "waste" of productive time. It's now an achievement -- a stepping stone to success that's on par with getting a glowing review at work.

This, clearly, isn’t society’s game. But that doesn’t mean it can’t become your game. 

2. Savor your family wins.

It's easy to discount the value of spending time with your partner and family. It's easy to see these moments as less valuable than the "productive" activities of work.

So the question becomes: how can you infuse these everyday family moments with value?

Here's how. Savor. Really take in and enjoy those exquisite moments when you break away from work and connect with your partner and family: the dinner outside on the patio, the great sex, the ruckus game of Monopoly, or the walk at twilight. 

Simply savoring these moments goes a long way toward infusing them with a greater sense of value. 

3. Go all out with appreciation.

We talk a lot about appreciation. That's because it might just be the most powerful relationship habit out there. 

It's also one of the best ways to create a new set of incentives in your relationship that favor family over work.

When you receive an appreciation from your partner, you get to experience the couples’ equivalent of receiving amazing feedback from a colleague at work or an attaboy from your boss.

But appreciation in your relationship is different in one key respect. It's a chance to celebrate your wins inside your family system -- a chance to incentivize you and your partner to continue striving for family, rather than just, work success.