4 Ways to Escape The Inferno of Busyness

We have a question for you.

Why do you feel so busy?

At this point, you're probably thinking, "Is that a real question? I'm busy because I'm busy, because there's just so much shit to do."

Good answer. And it's true. We live in a unique period of human history, a time when all of us face an increasingly long list of stuff to do: pet dentist appointments, parent-Uber-ing kids to all manner of extracurricular activities, and thrice-weekly zone-two cardio workouts (thanks Peter Attia).

So, yes, you've got shit to do. We've got shit to do.

But this only partially explains our near constant state of busyness.

What's the rest of the story?

Welcome to what we call The Inferno of Busyness. Unlike Dante's version (the O.G. Inferno), this one has four levels instead of nine. It's also less about the hell-realms of the soul, more about the real reason we are all so busy.

Level 1: Shit To Do.

This is the first and most superficial reason we're busy. Put bluntly, we've got too much to do.

And yet if you want to overcome busyness, change starts here. So consider: How can I create a life with less shit to do?

If you want help answering that question, try out the What's on Your Boat Exercise in Chapter 11 of The 80/80 Marriage.

Level 2: Completion Addiction.

Descend one level below having too much to do, and we encounter completion addiction.

What’s that? It’s an addiction – not to drugs, alcohol, shopping, or gambling – but to something that’s actually quite noble: completion.

Completion might be getting to inbox zero. Or it might be finally planning out all of your kid’s after school activities. Or it might be that ecstatic feeling of having a house that’s perfectly clean and in order.

What’s so bad about completion? 

Two things. First, the ecstatic hit of pleasure that arrives the moment all the to-dos have been checked off keeps us busy -- really busy -- coming back for more. 

Second, along with the ecstasy of completion comes the agony of incompletion -- that miserable feeling of being "behind," "under water," or even "drowning." It's a terrible feeling and we're willing to sacrifice a lot -- time with our partner, our kids, and ourselves -- to get rid of it.

The solution?

Interrupt this momentum by turning the machinery of completion addiction against itself. Add new space-generating tasks to your calendar so you can experience the completion buzz of checking these non-busy to-dos off your list. For instance: 

• Schedule space in your calendar for doing nothing of productive value.
• Leave ten minute gaps at the end of your meetings and take a walk outside.
• If you want to get crazy, set aside an entire day with no plan or agenda.

Level 3: Social Status.

Down here in level three, being busy isn't about having too much to do or getting swept away by completion addiction. No, down here, being busy is about signaling status to the world.

To be busy, after all, is to be wanted, valued, desired, and needed. Busyness announces, “Hey world, I’m one of those important guys or gals who’s always on-the-go, someone everyone wants a piece of. That’s why I arrived late (in my new Tesla Cybertruck) and can’t stop checking my phone.” 

Don't believe us? Well then just imagine your reaction to stumbling upon one of those rare unicorns of non-busyness.

Imagine asking someone "What are you up to?" and having them respond, "Honestly, not much. I do some yoga in the mornings. I'm learning how to cook Persian food. And, mostly, I'm just enjoying having lots of wide-open space in each day."

How might you respond? Jealousy and outrage, obvi.  "Who says that?" "Who in the hell has time for morning yoga?" "Who has the nerve to not be busy?"

These rare but relaxed unicorns challenge one of the most foundational truths of modern life: busyness is status. It's the fountain of self-worth.

The solution?

Try out being that unicorn guy or gal (just for a day or two). Explore who you would be without your ordinary identity of being the busy rock star employee, entrepreneur, or stay-at-home parent.

See if you can liberate yourself from this trap of busyness by finding some other, deeper, source of self worth.

Level 4: Numbing Discomfort. 

Travel down deep, into the very depths of the inferno and you will arrive at the most unconscious force sustaining the momentum of busyness: its power to numb discomfort. 

Busyness, it turns out, is kind of like an adult pacifier. It’s that trusted friend we turn to when we find ourselves out of our comfort zone. 

Feeling afternoon anxiety? No problem. Busyness has you covered. Just dive into your email for an hour or so and you’ll forget all about it.

Feeling lonely on a lazy Saturday? Busyness has a solution. Overbook yourself with so many social events, weekend work calls, and self-care appointments that your next free two-hour window is months away.  

Busyness is oddly comforting. Space is oddly terrifying. 

Perhaps this is why when most of us encounter wide open space – on a long vacation or during an open day free from other commitments – we recoil. We whip out that adult pacifier of busyness to numb the discomfort because it’s safer to stay strung out and busy than to face this discomfort head on. 

The solution?

Try out getting comfortable with this particular flavor of discomfort. When something cancels and you have some open space, instead of just filling it or using it to catch up, allow yourself to experience having open space.

 It might feel uncomfortable at first. But you might also find that once the discomfort passes, all sorts of interesting new insights and experiences arise.